Did you ever notice that when you sit down to finally enjoy
doing nothing, that's when your kids will need something? Of course,
to them, that something is a matter of life and death, even if you
come to find out there's only another missing Pokemon card from the
15 million that they own. If it's not your kids thinking they are in
desperate need then it's your cat, or your telephone will ring, or
someone will be at your door. That's called Mommy's Butt Radar.
There's something that gets planted in our rears the second the
doctor shouts "It's A Baby!" that makes it so we can never sit
down and enjoy peace and quiet again.
For instance, I'm sitting down right now to type this piece
for you to enjoy. As I'm doing so my two year old is running around
the house doing a host of things he shouldn't be doing. Every once
in awhile I hear something get turned off and on and off again, or
something gets flushed. The Mommy's Radar goes off for these things
too. Not always is it when you're called, but when things are too
quiet you know enough to get your butt moving. Something is
definitely up.
Mommy's Radar gets more sensitive with time. You just hear
your wonderful spouse ride up to the house and know that any peace
and quiet you thought you would have is now over. Get up! He's gonna
need something! And so will the kids, the phone, the door and the
cat. There's no way around it. My own fault. I sat down.
Watching a complete television program is a thing of the
past. Thank the Lord for the DVR. One day I'll figure out how to use
it and be able to record the programs I missed. Problem is I have to
sit down to read the instructions. For now someone needs help with
homework, and someone else is touching someone else's stuff so I
have to referee. Never fails.
The saddest times are when I'm trying so desperately to
listen to a guest on Oprah talking about changing my life and how
important this next piece of information is.
"If you heard nothing else this entire program I want you
to catch this next thing I'm about to say", the guest announces!
Of course the next thing is tuned out with "MOMMY!!" high
pitched screams, toy firetrucks that sound like the real sirens
going off, a cat scratching at the door, and the phone ringing.
"So much for changing my life!" I mutter."My fault. I
thought about sitting down."
It's 8:30 pm and they are all in bed, so I think. But no. I
made the mistake of thinking I could sit down. The moment my
posterior barely touches the sofa cushions that's when someone will
scream.
"I'M THIRSTY!"
"HE'S KEEPING ME AWAKE!"
Or my favorite, "I'M TIRED!"
Well, duh. Maybe that's why we put you in BED?!?!
So I've decided the only way I'll get a break is to never sit
down again. This piece took me about three days to write because I
had to sit down to type it, and that's just against the Mommy Law.
It's then that the Mommy Butt Radar goes off and every child within
a 50 mile radius will need something. Even the one I'm married to,
and the furry one with four feet.
So ladies buy yourself some really comfortable shoes and
learn to lean against the wall with pillows. Seems to be working for
me, so far. But don't give away our secret or another radar will go
off. The Mommy's- Head-Hit-The-Pillow Radar, and that's even harder
to handle!
